@AHundredElbows

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

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@urmumsausername

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

@ElleOhHell

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

@ramblinma

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

@WigCannon

alright. if everything happens for a reason why did i put a scarecrow in the shower

@ryanchris

The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.

@Marcmywords2

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

@jonnysun

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

@IamEveryDayPpl

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

@LOsepyan

I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea