Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
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5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
alright. if everything happens for a reason why did i put a scarecrow in the shower
The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”
Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea