Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
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If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Well, this is awkward
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Every BBC series about the universe.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”