Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
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“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
San Francisco has too many rules
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“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
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I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice