Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?