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Boom, boom, ching!
Mhm.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I need to get some bricks…
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.