Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
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Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Actually cracking up @ this
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube