Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?