bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Hotels are back
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
