Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
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A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
you could not pay me to delete this app
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.