Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
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my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
