Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
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*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
STEM major: what are you learning in school
Kindergartener: shapes and colors
STEM major: lmao good luck getting a job with that
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.