@CakeThrottle

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

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@Megatronic13

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

@ericsshadow

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

@OBiiieeee

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

@mommajessiec

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

@Roclogic

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

@rudy_mustang

STEM major: what are you learning in school

Kindergartener: shapes and colors

STEM major: lmao good luck getting a job with that

@BatBatshitcrazy

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

@mommy_cusses

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

@_TeaChap

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.