Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
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Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.