Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
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[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.