Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
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due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?