Boredom is the leading cause of pregnancy.

Unless you’re on Twitter 24/7. Then it becomes the leading form of birth control.

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I have no idea how some women look cute at the gym, I look like roadkill that got run over a few times.


[ouija board]
“shh its working”
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”


Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.


I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.


my daughter said her hand hurts when she moves it, her brother said “stop moving it then.”

my work here is done.


[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.