Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
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Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps