Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
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Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
live long and prosper!
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.