Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

Holy crap this is wonderful

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape