Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

What number SPF blocks people?

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

Jesus steals the winter solstice

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*