Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.