Born to be mild.
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The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
😼🖥️
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.