Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.