Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

me hooking up with my ex

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

I feel seen

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything