born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
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Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
They’re not wrong
