born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
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If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-