Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.