Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

🙏🏾

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

No, he would not have.

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry