born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
You Might Also Like
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!