born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
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I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.