born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
You Might Also Like
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.