born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
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I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Home is where your toilet is.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.