Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

want me to check your oil?

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.