Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?