Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

opening twitter today

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

No. YOU-buprofen.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”