Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

My neck my back my allergy attack

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.