Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

Beware of the dog..

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous