Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
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I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
BETRAYAL
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Optional boss fight.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy