Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be