Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
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How do horror writers compete with current events?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Sharon, call the vet
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd