Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
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“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
How it started: How it’s going:
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!