Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Give us this day our daily internet validation
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
