Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
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Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
THIS HEADLINE
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book