Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

getting seasonal up in here

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.