Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
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a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Isn’t
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties