Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
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I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.