I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
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Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Isis been real quiet ever since fortnite came out
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.
Sorry I booped your nose during your meltdown ..