@ThugRaccoons

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

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@reallifemommy3

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

@AbbyHasIssues

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

@Birdhumms

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

@InternetHippo

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

@drhappyknuckles

Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.