Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

Lmaoo 😂

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

So Hamburger help me, God

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.