Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
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If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
🤯🤯🤯
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
