Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
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Customer is always right
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.