Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

Employees must applaud the planets.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

Intelligence is the new cleavage

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

No. YOU-buprofen.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!