Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.