Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
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Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
me in a relationship:
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Ovenable?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.