Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
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Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs