Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
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My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
Toxic snake
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Many hands make light work
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.