Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

Watson was Holmes schooled

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

Very problematic

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.