boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
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I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
those birds must be on payroll
no one likes gloating
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.