boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
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Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
LOL
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I’m literally crying
