Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

Life cycle of cat

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.