boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
You Might Also Like
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
my first day as a raccoon
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit