Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
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I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Not all heroes wear capes….
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?