Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
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date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.