Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

Door frame: *exists

My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?