Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
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My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.