being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
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Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.