Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.

But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

The booster protects against what, now?

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.