Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
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It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”