Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
You Might Also Like
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o