Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
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why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.