Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
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“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
When ur friends with white people
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
…..pretty much.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
They’re on their honeymoon
